Thursday morning we met Margaret (our midwife) at a local clinic where she could perform the ultrasound for free. During the ultrasound she had a difficult time finding the baby and in general just wasn't seeing what she wanted to. She decided to order some blood work, including HcG and progesterone levels and made an appointment for me to get another u/s by a licensed u/s technician the next morning. That day was grueling, not know what was going on. I was incredibly nauseated all day. I kept trying to stay positive though and think that she just couldn't find anything because my bladder wasn't full enough and everything would be cleared up on Friday.
Well, Friday morning came and I ended up having a transvaginal ultrasound (not the most comfortable thing I have ever experienced) and the technician did find a baby, but it was measuring much smaller than what it should be for my LMP. It also had a very low heart rate, in the 50s-60s. Basically, as Margaret described to me later that day, someone is home they are just very small and very week and probably not going to make it. She figured that I would miscarry within the week. Needless to say, I was a wreck. All day I was pretty much a basket case on top of being completely nauseous. I began to have some more light spotting and was just beside myself. How could this be happening to me? How could this be happening to my baby? We had tried for 5 months to get pregnant, and now to lose the baby- my heart was broken. All I could think was, "Jesus, take care of my baby."
Saturday I woke up with no spotting but after being up and around and chasing my 1 1/2 year old the spotting started again. I got my follow up blood work done to compare my HcG levels and tried to get some rest since the nausea was still very much there. Its funny, the week I am told that I am going to miscarry I felt more pregnant than I had the whole pregnancy so far! Jer took me out to sushi- I had been craving it for weeks and with the emotional roller coaster I had been on I think I deserved a little indulgence (don't worry- I only eat the cooked stuff, the raw stuff totally grosses me out!). By this point I was kind of walking around in a fog. Little things made me break down but for the most part I could talk about everything without much emotion- I think I was just too emotionally exhausted by that point to do much else.
Sunday I made it through most of the day without spotting but once again it picked up later in the day after I had been on my feet. I decided to meet my mom downtown to do a little Christmas shopping, have dinner and just talk- sometimes you just need your mom. Plus the fact that we had been mostly couped up in the house for a few days and I just needed to get out and get my mind off things. I think that Roman was glad to be out and about, and of course to see his Nanna Bubbe.
And that brings us to today- Monday, my sixth day of living in a mystery, not knowing what to expect. Same old story- spotting when I am active, little to none when I stay off my feet. Not as much nausea today but I still feel exhausted. I was going to try to snag a bath when Roman was down for a nap but the minute I got settled in he, of course, woke up. Margaret let me know the results of my first set of labs- my HcG was within range (16,272) but my progesterone was on the low side (10.78). She said to rely more on the results of the u/s than the bloodwork. If I don't miscarry soon she said I could have another u/s whenever I felt ready.
So here I am, left wondering and waiting. Sometimes I am sure that the baby isn't going to make it. That any minute I am going to start cramping and have a gush of blood. I start praying that it doesn't happen on Thanksgiving- I don't think I can deal with going through a miscarriage anywhere but my own home. I wonder what it will actually be like and thank God for my friends who have been through this before and for all the honesty of the women on the MDC boards. But then I start reading stories of doctors, midwives and ultrasounds that were wrong. Of babies whose heart rates couldn't be detected at all and grew into completely healthy and vibrant newborns. I listen to the words of my mother when she says that God can do anything including make my baby well. I fear getting my hopes up though and find myself in a viscous cycle of hope and despair.
I don't know what is going to happen. All I know is that I have to trust God no matter how hard it is and whatever the outcome. It is much easier said than done. But ya know, God has funny timing- my mother-in-law sent me this radio clip today before she even knew what was going on: http://www.ksbj.org/eblogs/morningShow/wp-content/uploads/2007/10/logan-calf-story.mp3
He knows what He is doing and He feels my pain. And if the worst happens then this is what I have to say to my baby-
"I don't know if there are harps in heaven or the process for earning your wings. I don't know of bright lights at the ends of tunnels or any of those things. But I know that to be absent from this body is to be present with the Lord, and from what I know of Him that must be very good!"