Tuesday, December 4, 2007

So this is how it happened...

Please beware- the following post speaks very candidly of my miscarriage experience. If this is not a topic you would not like to know all of the details of, you may think twice before reading on.

A week ago today, Tuesday November 27, 2007, I passed my baby. It didn't happen how I had hoped. In situations such as that you want to be able to be surrounded with love and security and peacefully let the inevitable take place. Although I was at home it was not as peaceful as I had wished. At around 11:30 I began to have some cramping and small clots so I decided to lay down with Roman for his nap. When we got up things began to get much more intense. At 3:30 I called Jeremiah to let him know what was happening and that we would not be able to attend my sister-in-law's birthday party that evening. I called my mom and told her what was happening also and called and asked my in-laws to pick up Roman.

Seemingly right after I got off the phone things became unbearable. I was cramping so hard that I didn't want to move at all, but Roman kept asking for snacks and water and I had to get him ready for my in-laws to pick him up. As I was kneeling on the floor trying to get him dressed I began bawling from the pain and knew that I could no longer do this alone. I called my mother in a panic and as she answered I felt things give way and could tell I passing large clots. I managed to get myself into the bathroom and my mom promised to be right there. My in-laws arrived within minutes and began knocking on the door. I had unlocked it for them but they couldn't understand that I was yelling "COME IN! IT'S UNLOCKED!" They stood and knocked for what seemed like forever until they finally tried the knob.

Roman was being such a good boy through all of it. He went to the window just like I asked him to, even though I had only managed to get the poor guy half dressed. By this point my underwear, pants and the toilet were covered in blood and I was still in a great amount of pain. My in-laws couldn't find one of Roman's shoes and almost left with him in his slippers but finally found it as I was yelling directions from the bathroom.

My mom arrived just as my in-laws were leaving with Roman. She came into the bathroom and comforted me through my pain and my tears. I spewed off a bunch of instructions of things I needed her to grab and she quickly fetched everything I had asked for- a metal bowl, a plastic gloves and a large pad like the ones I had used after Roman's birth. After a few minutes the cramps began to become less intense and things slowed down. I cleaned myself up and then went about the task of trying to find the placenta and amniotic sac in the water. I found the placenta quickly and later when we came back into the bathroom and some of the lining had sluffed off, we found the amniotic sac attached to it. I broke open the sac to look for the baby, but only found the yolk sac which looked like a miniature silicone implant. My midwife had said that the baby had been so small that we probably wouldn't find it, plus the fact that it had died 11 days prior and had probably already begun to dissipate, but I still need to look to make sure.

Jer arrived a while later. By this point I was cleaned up and sitting on the couch talking with my mom. Most of my cramping had stopped and I was only passing small clots, although my lower back still ached. We just sat and talked the rest of the evening. My in-laws brought Roman back home after the birthday party and then my dad came with take-out for dinner. I am so glad they were there- their comfort meant so much.

A few days later my midwife called to go over things. She let me know that I would still experience all of the postpartum hormones as I would with a full-term pregnancy and that I would also loose my hair again (I lost about 50% with Roman but she assured me it would be less this time since I hadn't been storing it up for 9 months). She also informed me that I needed to go in for a rhogham shot right away for my negative blood type. My mom took me into my old OB's office that day for the shot and I all fo the sudden became very thankful that I had not had to go through this whole trauma in that cold and sterile office. Having a midwife as my caregiver had made all of the difference in the world. Knowing that she was praying for me and genuinely cared was a great source of comfort.

Thursday through Saturday I ended up being in very intense pain again, and luckily my mom was around most of the time to help me with Roman and everything else. It turns out there was still some tissue remaining in my uterus and I passed it on Saturday evening. I had a few more surges on blood but things have calmed down quite a bit now and I think I can see the light at the end of the tunnel.

All in all, it is not anything that I would have wanted to experience and it didn't go the way I had planned but it has been a very eye opening experience on the whole. My level of compassion for other mothers has grown exponentially and I can see how going through this will help me to care for women in my doula practice. I wouldn't wish this on anyone but I can already see how the Lord is using this experience in my own life to grow me and cause me to rely on Him whole heartedly with no reservations.

Okay, breathe deeply... the hard post is over. Now I can go on to write about my healing process. Thank you to everyone for listening and caring- you will never know what it means to me.


Julie said...

Mackenzie. I am so sorry for your loss. You are one strong and brave mama and I believe you are right, things happen for a reason. Your strength, wisdom, and experience is going to help you connect with and support other moms who may be dealing with the same type of loss.

You are very inspiring.

Diana said...

I know this is a relatively old post, but I just discoevered your blog today after joining twitter. Reading your experience makes me wish I'd had blogging as an option after my first miscarriage. It brings back so many memories to read of your experience, and even some tears. I miscarried in my second and fourth pregnancies, and have four living children today. What a blessing are our children. Having miscarriages make us appreciate them that much more. Thank you for sharing such a sacred experience.