If God is Good Review

 Right off, I must admit, I was hesitant to begin reading this book.  When I had first been contacted by the publisher to consider reviewing it I knew that it would be incredibly relevant to the last few years of my life, along with being interesting and even helpful, but when it arrived in the mail later than I had anticipated and was much longer than I had assumed (494 pages!) the task seemed daunting. On top of all that, I could tell that this book was full of philosophy, meant to spur deep thinking and, to be totally honest, there is not a lot of room left in this tired mama's head for any of that!

However, after finally picking up the book I found myself captivated- a description I do not normally reserve for such well-researched works of logical non-fiction!  Randy Alcorn crafts his words on this deep matter in such away that I can hardly put it down (I say can because I am still reading and digesting it), and beyond that, makes a very complex subject relateable and personal, while being highly informative and enlightening.

Among other things, in If God is Good, Alcorn emphasizes the perspective which we bring to evil and suffering.  This perspective is something I have thought about a great deal in the past two years.  Two months from now marks the two year anniversary of my miscariage of my son Micah, and just a mere two weeks from now marks the one year anniversary of the loss of my first ever doula client and good friend's 5 hour old son.  Beyond these losses, there have been quite a few more tragedies and heartache in the birthing community as of late, and sometimes it can all just seem senseless.

Although I have never lost my faith, there have absolutely been times that I couldn't help but stop and question God.  Why were all of these heartbreaking, mind-boggling things happening to families who seem to deserve so much more?  Reading this book however, has offered many intensely powerful reminders about God's sovereignty and omniscience.  He knows everything that happens and He is utterly compassionate to our circumstances.  He has felt the deepest loss- the loss of His Son- and He knows our pain. That can all sound cliche', I am quite aware, but it is true.  Alcorn, however, addresses this topic in such a way as to not make peoples' pain seem inconsequential.  Goodness knows that the last thing I wanted to hear when loosing Micah was anything along the lines of, "God has a reason," or "Everything will turn out alright."  Even if those things were true, they were in no way comforting or healing to my soul.  Alcorn faces the tough questions of suffering and evil head on and answers them with refreshing honesty and compelling study.

 Alcorn does a wonderful job of not just addressing the "feelings" we have about suffering and evil though, he really delves deep and cracks open some very intense questions about why God allows things to happen and where the roots of these problems exist.  I think that anyone dealing with suffering or loss in their life should give some serious time and consideration to this book.  It is challenging and even hard to swallow at times, but is none-the-less a powerful examination of why this world is the way it is and how we can better deal with it.

I am still in the process of reading If God is Good (remember, the nearly 500 pages and mom of two young kids thing?!), but I can assure you that this will not be one of those books that gets placed back on my shelf half-read!  The incredibly relevant message leaves me no choice but to go deeper and absorb the critical points this book makes.  As Alcorn points out in the book, we will all probably face some sort of suffering or evil in our lives, so isn't it better to learn more about it before we actually have to overcome it? And if we are currently dealing with it, then this book is just as timely.

If you think that you or someone you know would benefit from this book, I encourage you to purchase a copy here.  I am quite sure you will find it every bit as helpful as I have.

If you are interested in blogging for Waterbrook Press you can go here.

I have said it once and I'll say it again...

I adore The Business of Being Born! This morning a friend and client of mine (oh, and did I mention wonderful mama to an adorable little girl) came over and we watched the film together. She is already signed up for Bradley classes that start next month and is so committed to having a better birth experience this time around- I am so proud of her! I could tell that the documentary just solidified everything I have been talking to her about! I love The Business of Being Born for so many reasons- most of which is it's ability to inspire mothers to want something better in their birth and work for it! I have seen it so many times now I have lost count, and yet each time it still moves me and reaffirms my decision to become a doula!

Lately my life has been seemingly consumed with all things birth and doula! Between training, interviews with potential clients, meetings with current clients, reading, writing my contract and doula meetings I barely have time for anything NOT related to being a doula! Funny how in the midst of all this I seem to be dealing with mild postpartum depression from my miscarriage. While I was speaking with my midwife on Saturday at a meeting, she gently pointed out that fact. It makes a lot of sense, and in a strange way is oddly comforting- I finally have a reason for feeling such a lack of motivation in my daily life, for these odd panic attacks and unwarranted fears I keep suffering from (particularly that of never being able to have any more children and of loosing Roman), and for my inability to get pregnant in the last year.

Yes, a year. We are officially at that point- I conceived Micah a year ago in September, and for many months now have been plagued with the overwhelming fear that no more babies are in my future- that I will never be able to experience pregnancy again, or that homebirth that I so dream of, to give Roman a sibling, or be able to put into practice everything I have learned since having my first. But you know, as I was talking to my midwife, and telling her those fears, and how desperately I want to be able to have a birth with her as my caregiver, she told me that she looks forward to attending a birth with me as well- as if she was sure that she will. She said it without any inkling of doubt in her voice that it will happen. It was a simple statement, but I went to sleep Saturday night for the first time since I can remember, actually believing that it is possible for me to have another baby. It's a small step, but a step none the less. A little glimmer of hope in an otherwise bleak outlook. Just keep praying. Just keep praying...

Not Forgotten

Today was the day that Micah was due to be born (for my new readers, I miscarried Micah in November). Needless to say, a difficult day to go through (especially with all of the new babies and pregnant mamas I seem to be constantly surrounded by), but healing in some ways also.

Let me elaborate- in sum we have been trying to get pregnant since May of 2007 and had always planned to have our children relatively close together. We want a large family and hadn't really thought that getting pregnant with a second baby (and staying that way) would be a huge issue, but my oh my, has it ever become one. In fact, it puts quite a strain on a relationship to be forced to perform at certain times of the month, repeatedly, while keeping track of every sign and symptom, waiting and waiting for the outcome that time after time comes out negative. Just in this last week we have made the decision to put the charting and ovulation prediction away and "simply" put it in God's hands. It sounds like a "simple" enough task, but in reality, letting go of those last little bits of "control" are very difficult.

I feel like God has called me to a place where He wants me to be content with where I am, right now. He wants me to focus on Roman and stop squandering the precious time I have with him at this age while dreaming of and planning for a possible future child. I need to stop thinking in terms of "getting my life ready so that things will be even better when we have more children," and start thinking in terms of "making my life better for the child (and husband) I already have." It isn't easy, and I need so much grace in the process, but that is where I am- whether I want to be or not.

And so, that brings me to today- my due date. I didn't want to let it just slip by as if it were never significant to me. I needed to do something to remember Micah- something to say, "You existed and I will always love and remember you." So I decided to go plant some perennial flowers over the spot where we buried him on my in-laws property. Honestly, I was a little self conscious asking them if it was okay, but they were fine with it and it was very healing for me. It gave me a chance to just be there, at that spot where I hadn't stood in 6 1/2 months. I prayed and really felt as though I was able to hand over the keys to the Lord in regards to my path of increasing my family. The battle isn't won- things aren't all of the sudden going to get happy and easy, but I have made the choice to not try to do it in my own strength any more. Either way, things aren't going to happen unless He wants them too, so I better learn to just give it up to Him now instead of fighting Him the whole way.

So, if you think of me- pray for me. Pray that God will be gracious and help the constant thoughts of trying to plan for more children to dissipate. Pray that He will bring me peace and contentment. Pray that He will provide for my family through the current drought we are in. And thank you- for reading this and acknowledging with me that I am the mother of two wonderful boys, even though I only hold one in my arms here on this earth.

A New Year, A Fresh Start

2008- it is actually here and boy oh boy do I have a lot planned! This is my year to get my life all under control and looking the way I want it to- quite the aspiration, right?! Ya, I know! But hey- I figure I might as well set big goals for myself! Why not, right?!

A few weeks ago I sat down and compiled a whole list of things I want to do, or change, or try this year. I divided it all into the subcategories that my life consists of because, well, that's just how I am! So, now I thought I would share a few of them with you:

Faithwise:
-Do the One Year Bible Reading Plan as a family, with our church
-Do the Beth Moore Study, Believing God- completing all the homework each week
-Blog about my faith walk 2-3 times a week
-Set aside at least 10 minutes every day to just pray
-Memorize scripture
-Finish the faith-based books I started reading this year but never completed

Healthwise:
-Take a yoga/pilates fusion class
-Not buy ice-cream more than once a month (at the most)
-Be more purposeful and organized in our meal planning
-Try that Cooking-for-a-month thing (ya know, where you cook one day for the whole month and freeze the meals)
-Put away at least $50 a month to buy workout equipment for Jer

Financial-wise:
-Stick more strictly to our budget (take out cash for groceries and petty cash- not going over those amounts!
-Be better about putting money into savings
-Tithe more regularly
-Pay off our debt
-Eliminate superfluous spending and cut down our monthly bills

House-wise:
-Don't go to bed with dishes in the sink or things on the table
-Sort and file mail daily
-Get the house-cleaning part of my day finished first thing in the morning
-De-clutter the house
-Get new curtains and couch pillows
-Finish the basement
-Get landscaping

Mom-wise:
-Be more intentional about the time I spend with Roman- teaching him and playing with him
-Make sure he watches less TV
-Pray with him and for him more
-Read scripture to him

Wife-wise:
-Be more intentional about blessing my husband
-Watch my tone of voice and try not to engage in arguments
-Pray for my husband more
-Support his diet
-Have more date nights
-Have more sex!!

Me-wise:
-Get up earlier for time with the Lord
-Read for pleasure at least 10 minutes a day
-Blog about life in general at least 2 times a week
-Get out and meet with another mom at least once a week
-Take more baths!
-Get at least 4 massages this year
-Spend less time online
-See all the major Oscar-nominated films
-Learn Italian
-Get a tatoo
-Spend at least 10 minutes a day doing something creative
-Try freelance writing and try to get something published

Craft-wise:
-Make myself and apron or two!
-Make folio covers and bags I had planned to make for Christmas
-Finish my quilt
-Knit or crochet my grandma a blanket
-Knit a sweater
-Knit dishcloths
-Blog about my crafts at least once a week
-Make a blanket for our couch
-Knit Roman soakers

Chic & Savvy Mama Business-wise:
-Redefine and focus my business
-Update my website
-Finish my Postpartum doula reading and take the training course
-Hold natural parenting classes
-Create a pregnancy loss support program in Spokane and extend my services as a pregnancy loss doula

Finish Carpentry Business-wise:
-Weekly make sure that everything in the computer is up to date & paper work is filed
-Take care of all our tax filings at the beginning of each month

Okay, so that is a lot, and believe it or not there is actually more, but I spared you! I have updated my iCal in such a way that I think all of my daily, weekly, and monthly tasks are posted on each day that I need to complete them, so that they seem a little bit more manageable. We shall see! I know it seems monsterous but I think it needs to be done if I want to start living the life I dream of having. So here we go 2008- bring it on!

Site up for Believing God Study- check it out!

I thought it would be nice to have a main hub for everyone participating in our online small group study of Beth Moore's Believing God, so I created a little site called Hope & Believe on freewebs. Here is the full link: www.freewebs.com/hopeandbelieve. This is where anyone who is interested in the study can go to find out more about it and where those participating in the study can discuss it (the site has a small forum). I have also included a page for mamas healing from loss and a blogroll so we can get to know each other better. Please check it out and let me know what you think!

Micah- my little prophet!

As each day goes by I see more and more reason for the Lord allowing this painful loss into my life. I know it sounds crazy, and almost cold, but I am so thankful for being able to recognize the work that God is doing in me through all of this. I think God gave Micah to me for the short time that He did to be my own little prophet. My experience over this last month has really driven me to the Lord and His word. For a while now I have been stagnant in my walk, feeling no closeness with the Lord, but it wasn't Him- it was me. I had lost my sense of wonder and awe. I had forgotten what it really means to cling to Him and rely on Him for everything. This miscarriage has given me no choice but to rely on Him. He has made it very clear that I can't make my own plans- I need to be walking in His will and His plan for me life.

Micah of the Bible cries out to the people that they need to turn back to God. He also tells them that if they do, God will welcome them back with open arms. God's plea through Micah is simple- "He has showed you, O man, what is good. And what does the Lord require of you? To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God" (Micah 6:8). God wanted me back- abiding in His Word and spending time with Him. He wants me to appreciate the amazing mercy He has poured out on my life. And what could humble me more than this? Me- the woman who plans everything the way she wants it! He wanted control of my life and this was the way He needed to get through to me.

Micah of the Bible also speaks about the plight of the poor. I believe that the Lord wanted to show me a group of people poor in spirit who needed my help- women who have experienced pregnancy loss. I could never have had the compassion and understanding that I do now if I hadn't experienced this. The Lord has shown me a ministry that is in dire need of help. In recent days the idea has come to me to not only become a postpartum doula but a pregnancy loss doula as well, and I believe this idea is nothing short of divinely inspired. I want to help provide women the one-on-one support and encouragement they need through these difficult times, which is not very available in our culture. Women need support from other women not only in labor but also in loss, especially from other women who have been there.

So thank you Micah my love- you have taught me so much in the little time I had you with me and you continue to teach me in your absence. And thank you Lord for blessing me with Micah and using him to teach me so much. I hope the lessons he has taught me will help many more women as well. Micah's loss is no less painful, but it helps my healing to see God work through it.

Hope for healing

And so now the healing process begins. I passed the baby last Tuesday and this past Sunday Jeremiah and I went up and buried the baby on his parent's property. We found a nice spot by some rocks in the middle of a group of young trees. It was a cold and wet evening as we stood in the snow and said goodbye to our baby, but despite the weather it gave me a tremendous sense of closure. After I placed the small box in the ground I began to breakdown. Jeremiah just held me and then he prayed for our baby, for us as a couple and for the amazing son that we already have. When he finished I sang (or tried to through my tears anyway) the chorus to one of my favorite Sarah Groves songs which I typed out in an earlier post. Jer covered over the box and I told him how much comfort I took in knowing that our baby was in heaven with Jesus, and his grandmother, and my grandpa, and Mary and Moses and Abraham Lincoln! We chuckled at that, but silly as it sounds those are the things I have been thinking of. I am glad that our baby never had to suffer burdens or temptations. All my sweet child knows is golden streets and abounding love. And I know there are other mothers in heaven who had lost children during their lives on earth and know my pain, and I know they are watching over my baby.

One of the other things I have been taking comfort in is my motherly intuition. I know when my baby died- it was Friday November 16, 2007 in the middle of the day. I had had the ultrasound that morning and had just received the disheartening news that he probably wouldn't make it. That day he was supposed to be at 9 weeks gestation but he was measuring much, much smaller than that. In my pain and despair I prayed a simple prayer, "Jesus take care of my baby," and I believe that in that moment of letting go Jesus did just that. I also "know" that he was a boy. I just do. All throughout my short pregnancy I had referred to him as a boy and I just know that he was. I named him Micah. Micah Monroe. I only told Jer the name just before we buried him. Jer asked me where I got it and I told him that it just came to me one night. It means, "who resembles God," and seeing as how God will be the one to raise him, it is no wonder that he will resemble Him. I know that many people don't name the baby at such an early loss, but for me it brought comfort and closure. Giving him a name validates that he was a real baby and a real loss and it helps me show him that he will not be forgotten.

My intuition had also been telling me all throughout the pregnancy that something just wasn't right. I just kept feeling that the pregnancy wasn't going to last. As strange is it may seem, this is a comfort to me now because it makes me feel more confident going into a future pregnancy. Of course I will be nervous to get pregnant again for fear of the same outcome, but I also feel that I will trust my instincts and I will know if something isn't right. It is much easier to prepare for something if you see it coming.

Another way I have been coping is through art- however bad and childish it may be! One night I was online reading through the posts on MotheringDotCommune's pregnancy loss boards and someone was talking about dealing with their loss through art. I really connected with this idea because ever since the loss I have been longing for a way to really express my feelings. I will be okay all day long and then night time comes but sleep does not. Almost every day I end up dealing with my grief alone in the dark. So one night I got out Roman's crayons and went to town. My drawings were silly and rough, but you know what, that just didn't matter! It just felt good to be putting color on paper! After I drew some I wrote a poem, and however bad it may be as well, I am glad that I could express myself in this way. It is a part of the healing process for me. I feel more creative now than I have in months. It has re-energized me to sew and knit and eventually I would like to turn my rough crayon sketches into acrylic paintings. All of these things are helping me breathe.

And of course, most importantly, there is Jesus. Oh my sweet Jesus. Ya know, it is strange how an experience such as this can be so awakening. For a while now I have felt very stagnant in my walk with the Lord. I had come to this place of feeling like He just didn't want to hear from me anymore because I never followed through on what I said and all I ever seemed to pray was, "help." But through all of this God has been so faithful. I have heard His small still voice more clearly than I have in a long time. He has simply told me to "Come." I know now more than ever that He loves me, He will comfort me, and most of all that He understands.

Sunday I listened to this wonderful message by Jon Courson on Psalm 47 and it was all about praising God. He outlined these wonderful points about how worship delights the Father, defines our focus, develops our fellowship, defeats our foe and dethrowns our flesh. He talked about how when he is in a bad place in his life and negative thoughts are creeping into his mind, if he just turns his eyes to Jesus and worships Him, He will take over his mind. Psalm 22:3 says that God is enthrowned on our worship, so if we worship Him we our creating the thrown in our lives from which He can rule on. I can't tell you how many times in just the last two days this idea has saved me- when the darkness creeps in I just start telling God how much I love Him and trust Him, and in turn He strengthens me. Psalm 86 has also been a huge comfort and source of encouragement for me- go on, go read it! You will see how good God is!

It is His strength that keeps me going. It is His strength that will help me through tonight as I go to visit and rejoice with a close friend in the hospital who just delivered a beautiful, healthy little boy this morning, and later this week when a rejoice with and visit another friend who delivered a beautiful little boy just last Thursday. My God is faithful and He will give me the joy and strength to be glad for me friends in the midst of my grieving because He knows I can't do it on my own and He will never leave me.

So this is how it happened...

Please beware- the following post speaks very candidly of my miscarriage experience. If this is not a topic you would not like to know all of the details of, you may think twice before reading on.

A week ago today, Tuesday November 27, 2007, I passed my baby. It didn't happen how I had hoped. In situations such as that you want to be able to be surrounded with love and security and peacefully let the inevitable take place. Although I was at home it was not as peaceful as I had wished. At around 11:30 I began to have some cramping and small clots so I decided to lay down with Roman for his nap. When we got up things began to get much more intense. At 3:30 I called Jeremiah to let him know what was happening and that we would not be able to attend my sister-in-law's birthday party that evening. I called my mom and told her what was happening also and called and asked my in-laws to pick up Roman.

Seemingly right after I got off the phone things became unbearable. I was cramping so hard that I didn't want to move at all, but Roman kept asking for snacks and water and I had to get him ready for my in-laws to pick him up. As I was kneeling on the floor trying to get him dressed I began bawling from the pain and knew that I could no longer do this alone. I called my mother in a panic and as she answered I felt things give way and could tell I passing large clots. I managed to get myself into the bathroom and my mom promised to be right there. My in-laws arrived within minutes and began knocking on the door. I had unlocked it for them but they couldn't understand that I was yelling "COME IN! IT'S UNLOCKED!" They stood and knocked for what seemed like forever until they finally tried the knob.

Roman was being such a good boy through all of it. He went to the window just like I asked him to, even though I had only managed to get the poor guy half dressed. By this point my underwear, pants and the toilet were covered in blood and I was still in a great amount of pain. My in-laws couldn't find one of Roman's shoes and almost left with him in his slippers but finally found it as I was yelling directions from the bathroom.

My mom arrived just as my in-laws were leaving with Roman. She came into the bathroom and comforted me through my pain and my tears. I spewed off a bunch of instructions of things I needed her to grab and she quickly fetched everything I had asked for- a metal bowl, a plastic gloves and a large pad like the ones I had used after Roman's birth. After a few minutes the cramps began to become less intense and things slowed down. I cleaned myself up and then went about the task of trying to find the placenta and amniotic sac in the water. I found the placenta quickly and later when we came back into the bathroom and some of the lining had sluffed off, we found the amniotic sac attached to it. I broke open the sac to look for the baby, but only found the yolk sac which looked like a miniature silicone implant. My midwife had said that the baby had been so small that we probably wouldn't find it, plus the fact that it had died 11 days prior and had probably already begun to dissipate, but I still need to look to make sure.

Jer arrived a while later. By this point I was cleaned up and sitting on the couch talking with my mom. Most of my cramping had stopped and I was only passing small clots, although my lower back still ached. We just sat and talked the rest of the evening. My in-laws brought Roman back home after the birthday party and then my dad came with take-out for dinner. I am so glad they were there- their comfort meant so much.

A few days later my midwife called to go over things. She let me know that I would still experience all of the postpartum hormones as I would with a full-term pregnancy and that I would also loose my hair again (I lost about 50% with Roman but she assured me it would be less this time since I hadn't been storing it up for 9 months). She also informed me that I needed to go in for a rhogham shot right away for my negative blood type. My mom took me into my old OB's office that day for the shot and I all fo the sudden became very thankful that I had not had to go through this whole trauma in that cold and sterile office. Having a midwife as my caregiver had made all of the difference in the world. Knowing that she was praying for me and genuinely cared was a great source of comfort.

Thursday through Saturday I ended up being in very intense pain again, and luckily my mom was around most of the time to help me with Roman and everything else. It turns out there was still some tissue remaining in my uterus and I passed it on Saturday evening. I had a few more surges on blood but things have calmed down quite a bit now and I think I can see the light at the end of the tunnel.

All in all, it is not anything that I would have wanted to experience and it didn't go the way I had planned but it has been a very eye opening experience on the whole. My level of compassion for other mothers has grown exponentially and I can see how going through this will help me to care for women in my doula practice. I wouldn't wish this on anyone but I can already see how the Lord is using this experience in my own life to grow me and cause me to rely on Him whole heartedly with no reservations.

Okay, breathe deeply... the hard post is over. Now I can go on to write about my healing process. Thank you to everyone for listening and caring- you will never know what it means to me.