It finally happened- I officially lost my mind last week!

Yes folks, it happened!  All week long I just felt awful!  My brain was foggy- I could barely put together a sentence.  I was SERIOUSLY emotional- for no apparent reason I would burst into tears and it was so frustrating (for myself and all the poor male members of my household)!  I had no motivation to do anything despite the fact that my to-do list was a mile long.  I would just sit there, bouncing a screaming, teething baby and cleaning up after a puking preschooler thinking I was way beyond my threshold. 

By Wednesday I finally called my midwife to ask her what I should do.  She gave me some ideas for supplements and vitamins and told me I could call if I ever needed to talk. 

I needed, but I didn't call. 

By Thursday evening I was so sure that I was in the throws of a serious bout of postpartum depression that I didn't know what to do with myself.  I completely broke down in the middle of preparing dinner, packed up what I was doing and said "Let's go to Super Supplements." 

This was a big move because we are so broke right now, but my husband wholeheartedly agreed that something had to change!  We got all of us into the car and made the 30 minute drive in 5:00 traffic with a screaming 7 month old.  On the way there I honestly thought, "Maybe he should just drop me off at the psych ward of the hospital.  What if I just can't pull myself out of this?!"

We made it back home and warmed up some food from the freezer while I downed kelp capsules and vitamins like nobodies business!  Soon after I went to bed, not feeling much better but hoping that the money we just invested in my mental health would make a difference.

Then I woke up the next morning... can you guess what I found?  Yup- Aunt Flo was back!  Ha!  Arg!  I think that my body had been trying for over a month to readjust my hormones and bring back my period because all sorts of crazy things had been happening (if you know anything about natural family planning than you can probably venture a good guess of what I am talking about).  By this point even though I was highly annoyed that my period was back already (what's with all these women who make it over a year?!) I was just so glad to have an explanation for my temporary psychosis! 

Now I just hope it was that bad because it was the first time back and that I won't be plagued by such a hormonal upheaval every month!  However, now that I am taking my supplements (which I still think were a good investment) hopefully my hormones will get on more of an even keel and life can proceed as normal- or as normal as it can right now!

With all that said- yes, my Early Bird Challenge flew out the window with my sense of reality, but now that things have calmed down that little bird is tapping on my window begging to be let back in.  So I do intend to start my challenge again over the next few days. 

Also, I did get a little behind with my Bible in 90 Days reading last week but am happy to say that I am back on track and enjoying it much more now that I am in 1 Samuel and past many of the more depressing and repetitive books!  They were good to read, and I am glad I digested them in such large chunks to get the bigger picture, but boy am I glad they are over!  Now it is on to all the drama and good stuff!

So, yeah, I'm back!  Hope you missed me and thanks for waiting!

Summer has officially left!

The leaves are beginning to turn and summer has officially departed, and with it my ability to throw my hair into a wet ponytail!  How under-appreciated my wet ponytails have been!  I hadn't realized how beneficial having a spring/summer baby was for this very reason- when I could manage to get a shower but not dry my hair because of my fussy little man, it didn't matter!  I could throw my hair up and I was set!  Well, those days are now gone and my blow dryer is back in business... now I just have to figure out how to make Lion Cub understand mama's need to get ready in the morning!

This getting ready time is especially important now that we are heading into a busier month!  We are going from virtually no activities in September to something nearly every day in October!  I think it will be good though- I tend to be more organized and motivated when I have more to do, and there certainly is a lot!  On top of keeping up on home-preschool and co-op I am also going to start attending a women's study again and a breastfeeding group to go towards my Certified Lactation Educator training (which I am beginning to pour time into again). 

Oh, and I'm working on a curriculum for a Chic & Savvy Mama's- Preparing for Birth and Baby class I would like to start offering this winter.  I am really excited about my ideas and think that it will shape up to be a very informative and fun class.  It is going to be a hybrid of preparing couples for birth while also teaching them about postpartum health, breastfeeding, attachment parenting and natural baby care!  I plan to offer a "tester" course to a few couples for free this winter and then start offering the class "for real!" 

Offering classes feels like the perfect fit for this point in my life.  I have poured so much time into my birth and postpartum doula training but with two small kiddos it is difficult to actually be able to put it into practice.  Teaching classes will give me the ability to work when my husband is home and can watch the boys and also bring in a little extra income which we could really use!  Plus, teaching is such a passion of mine!  I have been so positively influenced by the wonderful doulas, lactation consultants and midwives that I have learned from on my parenting journey that I just want to be able to pass that knowledge on to other families who will appreciate it and benefit from it!

I also want to say a HUGE thank you to all my bloggy friends who have been so supportive recently!  You have no idea what your kind words of encouragement and empathy have meant to me!  It is so nice to know that you are all out there when I am feeling quite alone and frustrated!  So THANK YOU!!

Mama Time- Just the Blues?

 

As you may have noticed in recent weeks, my appearances in the blogosphere have been significantly less than any time in the past 6 months.  About 4 weeks ago, around the time Lion Cub reached 11 weeks old, I began to feel not quite like myself.  More than tired, which is obviously normal for a mama of two little ones, I began to feel significantly fatigued.  My motivation to do much of anything all but vanished completely, and I could be brought to tears at nearly any moment of the day for the most obscure possible reasons.  To be frank, I felt very similar to how I felt after my miscarriage two years ago- just not right. 

 

On top of all that, some harsh reminders of the past came back into the "picture," which hurt me deeply and caused me to spiral into a state of questioning and despair about my current life.  To others involved it may have seemed silly and small, but it pained me to the core and brought nothing short of heartbreak, misery, frustration and outright anger.  I felt defeated and hopeless.  

 

After taking a pregnancy test to rule out that incredibly small possibility, I was forced to face the most likely culprit for the way I had been feeling- Postpartum Depression.  Many people don't realize that PPD can strike at any point in the first year postpartum, and has so many varying degrees that the preferred term has now been changed to Postpartum Mood Disorders.

"Well, maybe you just have the Baby Blues," you might be thinking, but by definition, the Baby Blues occur in the first days following birth when the mother experiences a significant shift in her hormones, and then passes.  I am quite sure that what I have been facing goes much beyond that, after all, it popped up at two months postpartum and has lasted a number of weeks.  The comment has also been made to me (by our pediatrician no less) that I have been smiling during the boys' appointments, so I must be fine.  This assumption, based on a plastic smile pasted on for public outings, seems rather silly in my opinion and lacking in much credibility!  Just because I haven't hit the road and headed out of town or demonstrated some violent display of bitter rage, doesn't mean that I haven't been under the burden of some degree of PPD.
So, what do I do?  I don't think that medication is the answer- not that some people don't need it, it just isn't right for me.  At no point in the near future am I going to have the chance to skip town and spend a few days by myself (or even with my husband or a close friend) to get a break and recharge my batteries.  My options are limited.   What I have done is prayed, a lot.  I have sought out the help of family (many of my friends have had their own issues to deal with lately or simply been out of town).  I have tried to get out of the house as much as possible.  I have tried to get a few minutes of quiet each day to read or do something for me (usually when the little people in my life are sleeping- so there is no guarantee this one will happen!).  I have tried to help others, for a variety of reasons, including taking the time to focus on what someone else is going through instead of what I am.  I have begun to wake up every morning knowing that I have to choose to make that day productive and joyful, and so I try to, most days anyway.  Each day gets a little bit better than the last.

As for that other situation, those reminders of the past.  Well, I don't discredit those feelings just because I have been dealing with Postpartum Depression.  Obviously, either situation would be hard enough to deal with by itself, but handling them together has only compounded my emotions.  I have tried to reign in my thoughts on the matter and move on, again, but that of course is not to say that the problem doesn't need to come to some sort of resolve.  The issue still must be addressed and concluded before I can fully get past it, but such is life.

Can any of you relate?  Have you been facing your own postpartum trials and would like to share, or vent?  Do you have any solutions to the issue, things you have been doing to help ease the pain?  I sincerely believe that postpartum mamas need each other, and simply relating to one another on a topic that others not in this season of life can rarely understand, is oh so helpful.  So please, link up!