Please Pray

Alright, I have been avoiding this post, but I think I need to get it out there- rally all of the prayer support that I can. Here is the deal- those baby tickers you see the the left do not portray an accurate depiction of my baby. Last Wednesday I began to have some spotting- very light but spotting none the less. I thought that maybe it was from being sick the night before but I decided to call my midwife just for a little reassurance. We discussed what the spotting could mean and decided to go in on Thursday for an ultrasound just to clear the air and make sure everything was okay.

Thursday morning we met Margaret (our midwife) at a local clinic where she could perform the ultrasound for free. During the ultrasound she had a difficult time finding the baby and in general just wasn't seeing what she wanted to. She decided to order some blood work, including HcG and progesterone levels and made an appointment for me to get another u/s by a licensed u/s technician the next morning. That day was grueling, not know what was going on. I was incredibly nauseated all day. I kept trying to stay positive though and think that she just couldn't find anything because my bladder wasn't full enough and everything would be cleared up on Friday.

Well, Friday morning came and I ended up having a transvaginal ultrasound (not the most comfortable thing I have ever experienced) and the technician did find a baby, but it was measuring much smaller than what it should be for my LMP. It also had a very low heart rate, in the 50s-60s. Basically, as Margaret described to me later that day, someone is home they are just very small and very week and probably not going to make it. She figured that I would miscarry within the week. Needless to say, I was a wreck. All day I was pretty much a basket case on top of being completely nauseous. I began to have some more light spotting and was just beside myself. How could this be happening to me? How could this be happening to my baby? We had tried for 5 months to get pregnant, and now to lose the baby- my heart was broken. All I could think was, "Jesus, take care of my baby."

Saturday I woke up with no spotting but after being up and around and chasing my 1 1/2 year old the spotting started again. I got my follow up blood work done to compare my HcG levels and tried to get some rest since the nausea was still very much there. Its funny, the week I am told that I am going to miscarry I felt more pregnant than I had the whole pregnancy so far! Jer took me out to sushi- I had been craving it for weeks and with the emotional roller coaster I had been on I think I deserved a little indulgence (don't worry- I only eat the cooked stuff, the raw stuff totally grosses me out!). By this point I was kind of walking around in a fog. Little things made me break down but for the most part I could talk about everything without much emotion- I think I was just too emotionally exhausted by that point to do much else.

Sunday I made it through most of the day without spotting but once again it picked up later in the day after I had been on my feet. I decided to meet my mom downtown to do a little Christmas shopping, have dinner and just talk- sometimes you just need your mom. Plus the fact that we had been mostly couped up in the house for a few days and I just needed to get out and get my mind off things. I think that Roman was glad to be out and about, and of course to see his Nanna Bubbe.

And that brings us to today- Monday, my sixth day of living in a mystery, not knowing what to expect. Same old story- spotting when I am active, little to none when I stay off my feet. Not as much nausea today but I still feel exhausted. I was going to try to snag a bath when Roman was down for a nap but the minute I got settled in he, of course, woke up. Margaret let me know the results of my first set of labs- my HcG was within range (16,272) but my progesterone was on the low side (10.78). She said to rely more on the results of the u/s than the bloodwork. If I don't miscarry soon she said I could have another u/s whenever I felt ready.

So here I am, left wondering and waiting. Sometimes I am sure that the baby isn't going to make it. That any minute I am going to start cramping and have a gush of blood. I start praying that it doesn't happen on Thanksgiving- I don't think I can deal with going through a miscarriage anywhere but my own home. I wonder what it will actually be like and thank God for my friends who have been through this before and for all the honesty of the women on the MDC boards. But then I start reading stories of doctors, midwives and ultrasounds that were wrong. Of babies whose heart rates couldn't be detected at all and grew into completely healthy and vibrant newborns. I listen to the words of my mother when she says that God can do anything including make my baby well. I fear getting my hopes up though and find myself in a viscous cycle of hope and despair.

I don't know what is going to happen. All I know is that I have to trust God no matter how hard it is and whatever the outcome. It is much easier said than done. But ya know, God has funny timing- my mother-in-law sent me this radio clip today before she even knew what was going on: http://www.ksbj.org/eblogs/morningShow/wp-content/uploads/2007/10/logan-calf-story.mp3
He knows what He is doing and He feels my pain. And if the worst happens then this is what I have to say to my baby-

"I don't know if there are harps in heaven or the process for earning your wings. I don't know of bright lights at the ends of tunnels or any of those things. But I know that to be absent from this body is to be present with the Lord, and from what I know of Him that must be very good!"
~Sarah Groves

NACHOOOOOOOO!!!

Well, here he is ladies and gentlemen- Nacho Libre!! We decided to go ahead and dress Roman up this year for Halloween, even though we are not big supporters of the holiday. We came to the conclusion that until he reaches an age that we can explain him the real meanings of Halloween and why we don't like it it makes more sense to let him participate so that he doesn't just fee left out.

I toyed around with lots of different costume ideas, including Jr. Asparagus from Veggie Tales and Evil Kanevil, but finally settled on Nacho Libre!
I entered JoAnn Fabrics with iPhone in hand so I could get on the internet and access pictures of the real costume and I had a little costume shopping spree to find all the different fabrics and accessories I would need. I ended up sewing right up to the last minute but I think the costume came out pretty accurately, which was what I was aiming for. I made everything- right down to the boots! I found some pleather fabric and once I got the outsides of the shoes sewn together I glued them to an old pair of flip flops!

We went to a local mall to trick-or-treat and to my amazement Roman kept his mask on most of the night! He seamed to really like all of the attention he was getting! People would stop from all the way across the mall and say "Hey, it's Nacho!!" Everyone loved it and he was the only Nacho in sight! Well, I guess not everyo0ne loved it- his little friends Elijah and Evalina were actually quite terrified of him with the mask on, but other than that he was a huge hit!

We also stopped by Grammy & Pappy's that night so they could see him all dressed up. They loved it (and so did his cousins!) and it was fun for him to be able to hand some candy out at their door. I think he actually liked handing candy out better than receiving it! Go figure! I am sure that will change in a few short years!

Later that night we also snapped a few shots of Roman in his new "Big Brother" shirt so that out of tow relatives could get in on the news. This is one "costume" I don't think he understands the full scope of. The role of Big Brother is still rather elusive and with each passing month I wonder more about how he will adjust to a new little one in the house. Only time will tell!

Grab your coat and get your hat...

We are headed for Leavenworth! Waahoo! I received a very unexpected call from Jer this morning letting me know that some good friends of ours had invited us to go on a little overnight weekend getaway to a quaint German-like village on the other side of our state- TOMORROW!! It is completely last minute but will be a much needed reprieve from the stress that has been enveloping our lives as of late! The couple, Denver and Vanessa, have a little girl, Evalina, who is very close to Roman in age so it should be a lot of fun!

We have some other friends that might come along too, but their son (who is also Roman's age) is quite particular about his sleeping arrangements. Ya know, it's funny, because people criticize me about how Roman sleeps (still co-sleeping a lot of the time) and yet when it comes to situations such as this, he is SO much more portable! He really is pretty good at going with the flow of things! I can't complain! Plus, the longer he half co-sleeps with us the more I think that it is normal. I mean, that is the way families slept throughout most of time. He is only 1 1/2- it is completely natural for him to fell the need to be close to his mother at night and I think he should be able to be until he naturally has the urge to sleep on his own. This portion of their lives is so small comparatively- so why not? Of course, I know that Jer doesn't think this way and one day soon I am going to have to officially get him to sleep on his own, and I suppose as I get bigger I won't want him in there anyway. I just hope that we can get his room finished quickly so the transition is smoother. We shall see!

Slacker!

Okay- I know! I have been a total slacker on my blog! But all my time lately online has been spent updating my Due-Date Club on MDC (I'm in charge of the due date thread) and Diaper Hunting! Yes, yes, my dears- I have been hunting for diapers! It sounds crazy I know, but twice annually Diaper Decisions holds a Great Cloth Diaper Hunt where you search a bunch of different WAHM sites for a specific diaper icon and the more you find the more prizes you are entered to win! I participated in the one they held in May, but came nowhere near finishing it! This time however I only have 24 more icons left- that means I have found over 100 so far! Waahoo! I really want to win some stuff this time, although it is pretty fun just to see all the different shops and cute things to buy! I have been adding to my online baby registry left and right! Very exciting!

Speaking of babies- I'm still growing one! Although, it still doesn't feel real. My lower stomach is starting to bulge a bit (only enough for me to notice) and so far I haven't had much sickness to speak of- however I do feel more tired this time around and my sense of smell is MUCH more acute! I will probably make my initial appointment with our midwife soon- it would be fun (and reassuring) to hear the heartbeat and such.

Roman is doing well- as crazy as ever! he was Nacho Libre for Halloween! It was hysterical! We took him up to the mall with Elijah and Evalina- both of whom were terrified of him with his mask on! Everyone in the mall kept stopping and saying, "Hey Look! It's Nacho! What an awesome costume!" It was a lot of fun to see him running around in it- he even kept his mask on almost the entire time! I will post pictures soon!

Well, I think that is all for now, but I will try to be better about posting! I am always happy when I do, I just need to make a point to do it!