Thursday, June 19, 2008
Today was the day that Micah was due to be born (for my new readers, I miscarried Micah in November). Needless to say, a difficult day to go through (especially with all of the new babies and pregnant mamas I seem to be constantly surrounded by), but healing in some ways also.
Let me elaborate- in sum we have been trying to get pregnant since May of 2007 and had always planned to have our children relatively close together. We want a large family and hadn't really thought that getting pregnant with a second baby (and staying that way) would be a huge issue, but my oh my, has it ever become one. In fact, it puts quite a strain on a relationship to be forced to perform at certain times of the month, repeatedly, while keeping track of every sign and symptom, waiting and waiting for the outcome that time after time comes out negative. Just in this last week we have made the decision to put the charting and ovulation prediction away and "simply" put it in God's hands. It sounds like a "simple" enough task, but in reality, letting go of those last little bits of "control" are very difficult.
I feel like God has called me to a place where He wants me to be content with where I am, right now. He wants me to focus on Roman and stop squandering the precious time I have with him at this age while dreaming of and planning for a possible future child. I need to stop thinking in terms of "getting my life ready so that things will be even better when we have more children," and start thinking in terms of "making my life better for the child (and husband) I already have." It isn't easy, and I need so much grace in the process, but that is where I am- whether I want to be or not.
And so, that brings me to today- my due date. I didn't want to let it just slip by as if it were never significant to me. I needed to do something to remember Micah- something to say, "You existed and I will always love and remember you." So I decided to go plant some perennial flowers over the spot where we buried him on my in-laws property. Honestly, I was a little self conscious asking them if it was okay, but they were fine with it and it was very healing for me. It gave me a chance to just be there, at that spot where I hadn't stood in 6 1/2 months. I prayed and really felt as though I was able to hand over the keys to the Lord in regards to my path of increasing my family. The battle isn't won- things aren't all of the sudden going to get happy and easy, but I have made the choice to not try to do it in my own strength any more. Either way, things aren't going to happen unless He wants them too, so I better learn to just give it up to Him now instead of fighting Him the whole way.
So, if you think of me- pray for me. Pray that God will be gracious and help the constant thoughts of trying to plan for more children to dissipate. Pray that He will bring me peace and contentment. Pray that He will provide for my family through the current drought we are in. And thank you- for reading this and acknowledging with me that I am the mother of two wonderful boys, even though I only hold one in my arms here on this earth.