Monday, August 18, 2008

I have said it once and I'll say it again...

I adore The Business of Being Born! This morning a friend and client of mine (oh, and did I mention wonderful mama to an adorable little girl) came over and we watched the film together. She is already signed up for Bradley classes that start next month and is so committed to having a better birth experience this time around- I am so proud of her! I could tell that the documentary just solidified everything I have been talking to her about! I love The Business of Being Born for so many reasons- most of which is it's ability to inspire mothers to want something better in their birth and work for it! I have seen it so many times now I have lost count, and yet each time it still moves me and reaffirms my decision to become a doula!

Lately my life has been seemingly consumed with all things birth and doula! Between training, interviews with potential clients, meetings with current clients, reading, writing my contract and doula meetings I barely have time for anything NOT related to being a doula! Funny how in the midst of all this I seem to be dealing with mild postpartum depression from my miscarriage. While I was speaking with my midwife on Saturday at a meeting, she gently pointed out that fact. It makes a lot of sense, and in a strange way is oddly comforting- I finally have a reason for feeling such a lack of motivation in my daily life, for these odd panic attacks and unwarranted fears I keep suffering from (particularly that of never being able to have any more children and of loosing Roman), and for my inability to get pregnant in the last year.

Yes, a year. We are officially at that point- I conceived Micah a year ago in September, and for many months now have been plagued with the overwhelming fear that no more babies are in my future- that I will never be able to experience pregnancy again, or that homebirth that I so dream of, to give Roman a sibling, or be able to put into practice everything I have learned since having my first. But you know, as I was talking to my midwife, and telling her those fears, and how desperately I want to be able to have a birth with her as my caregiver, she told me that she looks forward to attending a birth with me as well- as if she was sure that she will. She said it without any inkling of doubt in her voice that it will happen. It was a simple statement, but I went to sleep Saturday night for the first time since I can remember, actually believing that it is possible for me to have another baby. It's a small step, but a step none the less. A little glimmer of hope in an otherwise bleak outlook. Just keep praying. Just keep praying...

1 comment:

Dana said...

Do you own that movie? I've wanted to see it for awhile now.

P.S. It won't let me just type my name, so the only blogger account I have is lame (I usually just write on my myspace blog).