Not Forgotten

Today was the day that Micah was due to be born (for my new readers, I miscarried Micah in November). Needless to say, a difficult day to go through (especially with all of the new babies and pregnant mamas I seem to be constantly surrounded by), but healing in some ways also.

Let me elaborate- in sum we have been trying to get pregnant since May of 2007 and had always planned to have our children relatively close together. We want a large family and hadn't really thought that getting pregnant with a second baby (and staying that way) would be a huge issue, but my oh my, has it ever become one. In fact, it puts quite a strain on a relationship to be forced to perform at certain times of the month, repeatedly, while keeping track of every sign and symptom, waiting and waiting for the outcome that time after time comes out negative. Just in this last week we have made the decision to put the charting and ovulation prediction away and "simply" put it in God's hands. It sounds like a "simple" enough task, but in reality, letting go of those last little bits of "control" are very difficult.

I feel like God has called me to a place where He wants me to be content with where I am, right now. He wants me to focus on Roman and stop squandering the precious time I have with him at this age while dreaming of and planning for a possible future child. I need to stop thinking in terms of "getting my life ready so that things will be even better when we have more children," and start thinking in terms of "making my life better for the child (and husband) I already have." It isn't easy, and I need so much grace in the process, but that is where I am- whether I want to be or not.

And so, that brings me to today- my due date. I didn't want to let it just slip by as if it were never significant to me. I needed to do something to remember Micah- something to say, "You existed and I will always love and remember you." So I decided to go plant some perennial flowers over the spot where we buried him on my in-laws property. Honestly, I was a little self conscious asking them if it was okay, but they were fine with it and it was very healing for me. It gave me a chance to just be there, at that spot where I hadn't stood in 6 1/2 months. I prayed and really felt as though I was able to hand over the keys to the Lord in regards to my path of increasing my family. The battle isn't won- things aren't all of the sudden going to get happy and easy, but I have made the choice to not try to do it in my own strength any more. Either way, things aren't going to happen unless He wants them too, so I better learn to just give it up to Him now instead of fighting Him the whole way.

So, if you think of me- pray for me. Pray that God will be gracious and help the constant thoughts of trying to plan for more children to dissipate. Pray that He will bring me peace and contentment. Pray that He will provide for my family through the current drought we are in. And thank you- for reading this and acknowledging with me that I am the mother of two wonderful boys, even though I only hold one in my arms here on this earth.

Lightning McQueen Cake... Caachow!!!

Alright, so it is a month and a half late but here none the less! This is the prized Lightning McQueen cake I made for my son's 2nd birthday party! Humble... not quite. Fun... absolutely!! Roman loves the movie Cars and was so excited to have his cake shaped like his favorite character! He kept sneaking into the kitchen to see me making it.

At one point, just after I had carved it, I left the room for a few minutes and all of the sudden noticed that things hand grown just a little too quiet around our humble little abode! I quickly rushed back into the kitchen to find Roman precariously balancing on the steering wheel of his scoot-along Mater the Tow Truck with his hand poised over the cake, ready to take a big fistful! I screamed in horror as he quickly scrambled down- luckily the crisis was averted, even if I did scare the living daylights out of him!

Side View!

Top View!

Happy Birthday Bud! Blow out your candles and make a wish! We love you!

Craziness!!

Sorry for my absence ladies! This month has been so crazy, and I am afraid this craziness is going to have to last a little bit longer! Between my great-grandmother's death, finishing our basement, rearranging our ENTIRE house to move into our basement, my son's birthday and my birthday (tomorrow), things have been a little nuts!! However, I didn't want to leave you all hanging on the homekeeper challenge! I hope you are all continuing to work towards being the best keepers of your home that you possibly can be and I would love to here about your progress. If you could leave your link in a comment that would be awesome- I hope to have the Mr. Linky back up and running for next week's post! I also hope to post more this week about the progress on our house and all the birthday festivities! I also will be filling you all in soon on the amazing Homeschooling & Home Discipleship Conference my husband and I attended last weekend- it was inspiring!

So hang in there with me and please post your links!

Homekeeper Challenge Weekly Post #2!

Alright, first of all I need to apologize for my absence this past week. As many of you know form reading my last post, my Great-grandmother died last Tuesday evening which has been difficult on my family all around. On top of that, we are finishing our basement and my husband painted sealer on the tile in our new shower, in turn producing noxious fumes that drove us out of the house for three days. So between the funeral and staying at a variety of houses (my grandmother's and my in-laws) I have simply not been able to blog as I would like.

The events of last week also put a bit of a hitch in my efforts to be an honorable homekeeper- much to my dismay. It was just one of those weeks that you feel like a failure. It was pointed out to me, by someone who shall remain nameless, that perhaps I am making myself sound on my blog like I have this homekeeper thing down and I am schooling all of you in it. I would like to make it abundantly clear right not that that is not the case! I am a work in progress and have sooo much to learn! I just thought this little challenge would be a great way to meet other women with the same goals I do so that we can spur each other on the good works and learn how to better bless our families in the process. So, forgive me if I have made myself sound otherwise.

With all of that said, I come to my personal challenge for the week- blessing and helping my husband. In general, I don't think I am very good at this. Whether it be lack of will or lack of knowledge, I don't always bless him in the ways I am sure he would appreciate. For instance, he is currently working on finishing our basement (it should be done in just a few weeks- yay!!) and most of the time I just let him do it all- he is the carpenter after all! I reason in my head many times that I would just be in the way or simply have better things to do, but in reality I know that if nothing else he would enjoy my company while he worked.
So, for me this week I am taking on the challenge (a little reluctantly, I must admit) of blessing my husband in whatever way I can, be it holding up a board while he screws it in or simply watching my tone of voice to make sure that I don't sound snappy- I just need to do it and quit making excuses for myself! This couldn't come at a better time since it is baby making week and nobody wants to TTC with someone they aren't particularly fond of at the moment! So, wish us luck (or God's hand of blessing, rather) and blessings to you in the challenges you choose for your upcoming week!

In Honor of Granny- Oct. 6, 1916- April 1, 2008

Last night my 91 year old great grandmother, Granny- as we all affectionately called her, left us to be with the Lord. For the last year she has been in an Alzheimers care facility but my grandmother was still chiefly responsible for her care- visiting her nearly everyday, making doctors appointments, handling finances, ordering prescriptions and seeing to it that she received the best care possible. Her loss is deeply felt by the whole family. My brother and I were cared for by her many times during our upbringing and knew her very well.She was a very active part of our lives growing up. For a number of years she picked me up from school everyday so that I didn't have to attend my school's after-school childcare program- I much preferred spending that time at home with my Gran. She would listen to me practice my Violin while offering constant praise- even though I was terrible! She sewed me countless costumes and adored attending my performances. Whenever we got sick on a school day, off to Granny's house we went while my parents were at work. She always made us grilled cheese sandwiches and I will never forget exactly what kind of bread she used and how the cheese melted in our mouths. She helped care for my brother while he was in a body cast after an intense surgery many years ago and would do anything to cheer him up- including standing on the couch and clucking like a chicken or howling like a wolf, just to see him laugh!
I am so joyful in knowing that she was alive to meet her great-great grandson, Roman. When he was born two years ago she actually stayed at the hospital until he was born at 1:00 am- at 89 years old! Although she was never of sound enough mind to remember his name, she would always ask about the little blue-eyed boy and when he would be back to see her. Just two weeks ago I took him to visit her and she was so happy to play with him. He even gave her a kiss goodbye and she gave me a hug, even though she no longer recognized me (especially with my short hair).
She loved us. She cared for us. She was the matriarch of our family. And now she is with Jesus. Her body is youthful and she is touring heaven with so many loved ones that have passed on before her- including my sweet little Micah. It is strange but comforting to know that just yesterday she was here but now she is with him and knows him- more than I even had the chance to know him. In many ways I feel like I can say my goodbyes more now than when she was alive because I know she can understand now and I truly believe that she can look down and see the good and the love.And so, Granny, I love you. You have done so much for me in my life I can't even begin to express my gratitude. You are lovely and ever so kind at heart. We will miss you dearly but I am so glad you are now in heaven free from all the bonds and pains of earth. Take care of Micah for me- kiss him and hug him the way I never could. And could you tell him a little bit about me and his big brother- the little blue-eyed boy who showered you with hugs and kisses? Thank you for your sweet life. You will not be forgotten. I look forward to meeting you in heaven someday with Micah in your arms. Until then- farewell...