I find it funny how many of my lovely readers have commented on my patience and seeming "put-togetherness" as I enter the end of my pregnancy! Organized... maybe, but calm and happy to wait... not so much! Forgive me if I have given the wrong impression!
In all honesty, these last couple of weeks have been very difficult for me! Between my husband being in and out of town with work, my in-laws being in and out of town with a variety of adventures, and my parents being incredibly busy with a move (among other crazy, life-altering time-consumers), I have felt very much alone and on other people's time agendas! I have gotten to the point of down right panic at times, feeling like everyone's lives are so busy I will just end up birthing this baby by myself (funny how many of my pregnancy dreams have featured that topic for months- before I even knew of the craziness that was about to ensue)!
Yesterday, it came to a head. A mixture of off-hand comments about scheduling from those I am close to and the distinct feeling that my baby had changed position (and the fear that the new position was posterior- which, by the way, it's luckily not) were simply more than I could handle! I broke down! Then I spilled my fears to my husband (pour guy- most of the time he just gives me a hug and stares in bewilderment, not knowing quite what to do for me) and one of my doulas who is also a good friend (who, naturally, was filled with many wonderful, spirit-filled things for me to hear).
My doula has known for a while the stresses I have been facing and has been such a constant source of prayer and support I feel like I can never repay her! She talked through all the physical dilemmas I have been worrying over, along with the emotional stresses I have been carrying. But most importantly, she expressed her concern that I have been dealing with something more spiritual that overrides any of those other issues, and perhaps that was the most important thing I needed to be grappling with.
She was right. I have felt in recent months that I have made lots of half-hearted attempts to draw close to the Lord. Sometimes I feel that my lack of ferver for Him will simply make Him not want me to try to reach Him anymore- even tough I know that is just Satan talking. Sometimes it is hard to hear clearly through the hormones, emotions and other general garble.
Last night, however, the Lord spoke very clearly to me. I just flipped open my Bible and started reading (not a practice I rely on or deam as espcially God-filled, but last night it was what I needed to do), and ya know what? The Lord met me there. The passage was Psalm 139- all about Him knowing every part of me (and my baby), knowing all my anxious thoughts, and making it clear that I cannot escape Him- He is with me wherever I go (even just where I go emotionally). It was exaclty what I need to hear. I clung to those words for the rest of night and am still holding them close today.
Although I am still very ready for this child to make it's grand entrance I feel a peace today that I have not felt for some time. God know's my days, and this baby's days. As hard as it is, I just need to wait. The right time will come. The right people will be here. He promises, so I need to trust.
For the director of music. Of David. A psalm.
and you know me.
2 You know when I sit and when I rise;
you perceive my thoughts from afar.
3 You discern my going out and my lying down;
you are familiar with all my ways.
4 Before a word is on my tongue
you know it completely, O LORD.
5 You hem me in—behind and before;
you have laid your hand upon me.
6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
too lofty for me to attain.
7 Where can I go from your Spirit?
Where can I flee from your presence?
8 If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.
9 If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
if I settle on the far side of the sea,
10 even there your hand will guide me,
your right hand will hold me fast.
11 If I say, "Surely the darkness will hide me
and the light become night around me,"
12 even the darkness will not be dark to you;
the night will shine like the day,
for darkness is as light to you.
13 For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother's womb.
14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.
15 My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place.
When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,
16 your eyes saw my unformed body.
All the days ordained for me
were written in your book
before one of them came to be.
17 How precious to me are your thoughts, O God!
How vast is the sum of them!
18 Were I to count them,
they would outnumber the grains of sand.
When I awake,
I am still with you.
19 If only you would slay the wicked, O God!
Away from me, you bloodthirsty men!
20 They speak of you with evil intent;
your adversaries misuse your name.
21 Do I not hate those who hate you, O LORD,
and abhor those who rise up against you?
22 I have nothing but hatred for them;
I count them my enemies.
23 Search me, O God, and know my heart;
test me and know my anxious thoughts.
24 See if there is any offensive way in me,
and lead me in the way everlasting.