Thursday, September 16, 2010

On the horizon...

I feel like I have had so much rattling around in my head lately and in all honesty have felt a bit scattered and depressed.  You those times where things just don't seem to be going quite as planned and it feels like you have nothing to grasp onto that makes sense or feels solid.  So, I have been trying to get my bearings and figure out what I'm going to do with myself.  I decided...

Step 1- run fiercely sprint to Jesus!  I need Him.  I need His words pouring into my life and I need to be engulfed by His love, His comfort, His forgiveness, His grace, His wisdom and His guidance.

Okay- next.

Let's build on that.  (wait for it...)

We are trying to get pregnant again.  There, I said it.  Some people might not like it, but guess what- it's not your life, it's mine and I don't feel done having children yet.  Am I going to ever turn into Michelle Duggar?  No.  (although I do have a deep-founded respect for her)  But, yes, I do want a bigger family than I currently have and the sooner I can get these tough baby years wrapped up, the better.

So, getting to the point.  In reflection on Lion Cub's demeanor (high-needs, fairly whiny, busy and a little... angry?) and the state I was in during my pregnancy with him (one of relatively high stress), I feel an intense need to live more peacefully.  I need to create an atmosphere of peace and kindness in my home- to my family and myself.

Now, this is a fine line for me.  I have been floundering between the two worlds of "mom's should be completely fulfilled by meeting the needs of their family- by taking care of their families they are taking care of themselves" and "mom's should ultimately put themselves first in order to be there for their families" for the last couple of years.  Honestly- both extremes leave me feeling spent and guilty for the feelings and attitudes they generate in me.  I have been having to reconcile to come to a balance between these two viewpoints and it is not easy.  I am finding though, that I truly do need to maintain my personal identity and take care of myself in order to take care of my family (emotionally, spiritually and physically) and a little bit of time to recharge my batteries and refresh can be a good and even needed thing as well.  However, none of that can come at the cost of my family.  It's all about balance and it isn't easy.

True to form- I have a plan.

Step 2 (spiritual & emotional health)- sign up for Lorrie Flem's Step Up: Attitude is Everything 6 month series.  Check!  This series was just released this week and will run through the end of February.  It is all about transforming your mind and generating the attitudes that God desires It is a total answer to prayer for me and I am so excited to commit to this journey and see the rewards it will bring.

At some friends' prompting I also plan to start attending MOPS next month and possibly another Bible study at the same church.  

Step 3 (physical health)- This may sound crazy, but for about the past 9 months or so I have been trying to gain weight.  I know, I know, what a cross to bare, right?  But in all honesty, it is a burden for me.  My weight drops very low while I am nursing and I have to make a conscious effort to consume enough calories in order to be healthy.  This is of special concern when I am trying to get pregnant (which I am), especially since I was nursing and my weight was fairly low when I had my miscarriage.  So, there's that.

Adding to that, though, I want to get in better shape without burning too many calories.  Of greatest importance is getting my abs stronger to hopefully help support the weight of a pregnancy.  I have scoliosis and pregnancy causes me a fairly great amount of back and rib pain, so I am hoping that this next time around I can alleviate some of that by strengthening my abs.

Step 4 (doing something for me)- One of my dreams is to someday be a published author, and while I see myself most likely writing a work of non-fiction many years down the road about the lessons I have learned in the trenches of motherhood (or as I often refer to them- "the research years"), I would love to have the opportunity to attempt to publish something before then.  I have trouble following through with my ideas, however, and they always end up piddling out.  So, this November I have decided to attempt NaNo WriMo (or the National Novel Writing Month Challenge).  Basically you are supposed to write a 50,000 word novel between November 1-30.  Now obviously this is a very rough first draft but it is an entire novel and quite an accomplishment if you finish!  

My goal between now and then is to come up with an outline and character sketches to work off of and then hit the ground running on November 1.  I was surprised when perusing the site to see how many people have actually gone on to have their novels published, and while I don't anticipate that happening, it is just the kick in the rear I need to get heading in the right direction!  You can be sure (unless God just puts a total kybosh on this plan) that you will be hearing much more about this in the future- especially in November!

Step 5 (improve and rest)- Save up for, arrange for, and actually attend TEACH on the BEACH March 11-13!  This is a mom's retreat (also put on by Lorrie Flem) that is all about rejuvenating and learning how to be a better wife and mom, and I need it!  I have been wanting to go since I first heard Lorrie speak last March and am determined to go to her retreat next spring.  Just knowing that it is on my calendar gives me something hopeful and meaningful to look forward to and I can't wait!  (And hey- I'm looking for some ladies to go with, so let me know if you're interested!)

Step 6 (pursuit)- Sometime within the next 8 months or so I want to take a couple of cake decorating classes at a local cake supply shop.  I am just starting to get back into the decorating arena (I used to decorate cookies professionally) and I would love to add some skills to my decorating repertoire and possibly be able to take a couple cake orders a month to help subsidize our income.  I currently have one tentative order on the books for next month, but since I am just starting out I am basically doing it for free (the cost of supplies and blog comments)!

So yeah.  That's what I'm thinking.  It feels good to see it all written down.  I am holding all of this in prayer and above all want to do what the Lord is leading me to, so I really feel that I need to remain sensitive to His call, but these are the things on my mind.

Do you have any goals right now?

Be sure to visit my sponsor- Marmee's Bread Market- for recipes and everything else you need to easily make fresh baked goods for your family!