Let me be candid- postpartum has been a very different beast this time around. This time I don't have the same feelings as I did the first time. Don't get me wrong- I love Lion Cub dearly! I take care of him and nurture him, but it is just... well, different. Sometimes I feel like all I do is get screamed at all day by this little person who really doesn't do anything- he is just (for lack of a better term) a blob at this stage- especially in comparison to his vibrant and personality-filled big brother.
R-Man posed many challenges and I was facing many other stressors following his birth, but he was my first- I knew no different and was deeply entrenched in loving motherhood. With R-Man there was no older sibling to snap up my attention and remind me just how helpless he was- he was all there was, and as difficult as it was, I revelled in mothering him.
Starting all over again with Lion Cub has felt much more difficult than I ever expected it would. I kept thinking that I had learned so much the first time around that I wouldn't have to figure out this time, that things would obviously be simpler- and in many ways they have. Sleep has come much easier since we have co-slept from day one with no hesitancy or questioning. Diapering is a breeze- I know what I like and the system is down pat. All that I have learned about breastfeeding has helped me deal with the small challenges that have come up and resolve them before they turned into huge problems. I have done my research- I know my stuff and don't have to worry about reading up to figure out all of our major decisions this time.
However, other things I had expected, like having a more easy-going baby the second time around- have not come true. Far from it actually! Dealing with sickness, colic and general moodiness these past four weeks have nearly been unbearable at times. That immediate connection that I had with R-Man has felt a little more distant with Lion Cub. More than once over the last weeks I have uttered the words, "My baby hates me," as I have been unable to figure out what he needed or why he was screaming so.
Much in contrast, my husband actually feels more loved by and connected with Lion Cub. He is often the only person who can calm his crying jags and ease his distress. I am glad that Jer feels more bonded with Lion Cub and in turn, I believe, more attentive to his needs, but it also leaves a mama feeling a little inadequate at times.
Of course, there are always those moments that make things a little better- when one of his sweet and rare smiles spreads across his face just because I said his name. Or when he finally gives in after crying, for what seems like forever, and lays his sweet head on my shoulder. Or at night when he snuggles in and uses my breast as a pillow after he finishes nursing. And his coos are enough to even melt a heart of stone!
I know things will get better in time. Things will get easier when he looks at me as more than just a place to eat and begins to interact more and more. Until then I will just keep caring for him and loving him, and remembering that this is what I signed up for! There are many seasons of motherhood- this is just one of them!
If anyone posts about their own postpartum feelings and would like me to add a Mr. Linky this week, please let me know and I will get it up right away! If not, then I think I will just leave it at that for this week.
R-Man posed many challenges and I was facing many other stressors following his birth, but he was my first- I knew no different and was deeply entrenched in loving motherhood. With R-Man there was no older sibling to snap up my attention and remind me just how helpless he was- he was all there was, and as difficult as it was, I revelled in mothering him.
Starting all over again with Lion Cub has felt much more difficult than I ever expected it would. I kept thinking that I had learned so much the first time around that I wouldn't have to figure out this time, that things would obviously be simpler- and in many ways they have. Sleep has come much easier since we have co-slept from day one with no hesitancy or questioning. Diapering is a breeze- I know what I like and the system is down pat. All that I have learned about breastfeeding has helped me deal with the small challenges that have come up and resolve them before they turned into huge problems. I have done my research- I know my stuff and don't have to worry about reading up to figure out all of our major decisions this time.
However, other things I had expected, like having a more easy-going baby the second time around- have not come true. Far from it actually! Dealing with sickness, colic and general moodiness these past four weeks have nearly been unbearable at times. That immediate connection that I had with R-Man has felt a little more distant with Lion Cub. More than once over the last weeks I have uttered the words, "My baby hates me," as I have been unable to figure out what he needed or why he was screaming so.
Much in contrast, my husband actually feels more loved by and connected with Lion Cub. He is often the only person who can calm his crying jags and ease his distress. I am glad that Jer feels more bonded with Lion Cub and in turn, I believe, more attentive to his needs, but it also leaves a mama feeling a little inadequate at times.
Of course, there are always those moments that make things a little better- when one of his sweet and rare smiles spreads across his face just because I said his name. Or when he finally gives in after crying, for what seems like forever, and lays his sweet head on my shoulder. Or at night when he snuggles in and uses my breast as a pillow after he finishes nursing. And his coos are enough to even melt a heart of stone!
I know things will get better in time. Things will get easier when he looks at me as more than just a place to eat and begins to interact more and more. Until then I will just keep caring for him and loving him, and remembering that this is what I signed up for! There are many seasons of motherhood- this is just one of them!
If anyone posts about their own postpartum feelings and would like me to add a Mr. Linky this week, please let me know and I will get it up right away! If not, then I think I will just leave it at that for this week.
